I thought I had lost my mind!

I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety after having my first child who is now 3 years old. I still have my moments of high anxiety but I remember in such a dark place I was in while she was just a newborn. It makes me so sad that I can’t fully remember those days when I brought her home from the hospital.

Sometimes I have to talk myself out of feeling like a bad mother because I couldn’t be there for her as I should’ve been because I had crippling anxiety. At first I didn’t know what was going on until I started feeling derealization. It’s a symptom of high anxiety. I felt high or drunk, just completely out of it. I thought I had lost my mind! I called the nurseline and I explained how I was feeling and she immediately directed me to the behavioral health line. I felt like I truly was crazy.

When I spoke to a therapist over the phone they told me what I felt was derealization from high postpartum anxiety. From then on I have been labeled with having this which I believe stole me from my daughters first months of life.

I have been going to therapy and taking natural supplements and herbs which has helped me a lot. But I will never gain back those moments I wish I had been okay.

Anxiety after birth is not commonly spoken of and it should be. All we hear is the norm “depression after birth”. I felt alone and I’m sure other moms out there do too.

2 thoughts on “I thought I had lost my mind!

  • I’ve had derealization ( which I try not to claim, but lingers in the back of my mind even when it’s not bothering me) since March 1997, one month before I turned 11 when I was in 5th grade. I will be 34 this April, so I’ve had it going on 23 years. One week after I had my son back in May 2016, my husband (now ex husband who had caused me anxiety left and right by trying to attack me, running me out of our apartment at 38 weeks in the middle of the night, threatening to divorce me) triggered my postpartum. His sisters and sister in law even said he did. My ppa (derealization non stop for over 3 1/2 months that only allowed me one week to bond w/ my newborn baby before it crippled me) came on when he was exactly one week old after my jerk of a husband sprung some surprising news on me the night before that, he waited 2 years after we had been married to tell me and right after we had our 1st and only child to share this news. My ppa kicked in that next afternoon when Landon was 7 days old. I couldn’t bond with him, scared to be alone with him, couldn’t process that I had had a baby. The sound of his crying would make me throw up. I was so far gone. Felt like I was high or drunk all the time. Of course nothing felt real to me and I was just going through the motions. Saturday Aug.27, 2016, I finally came back to myself after 3 1/2 months. I was finally put on medication(s) that helped me tremendously. I’ll always regret and feel guilty not being able to bond with my sweet baby (now becoming a little big boy) boy and it’s scared me from having anymore children if I get married again.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.