This post is crossposted By Analía Sierra
At first everything was new, I did not know what to expect. I got at the end of those nine months without enough information but with all the excitement and expectation that would be the most important moment of my life.
I had many fears, and they all were reason for my hospitalization- I have always been a healthy woman and have never been in a similar situation- My concern about that was big, I have never liked the idea of going through a surgery and this was the closest I was going to be to a surgery room … In my mind I had the old phrases , which grandmothers and mothers say, “You will forget everything, … it is a special moment and such a joy when you deliver your child all pains stops” … When the moment arrived, everything went slowly. They were long 11 hour of waiting … waiting for something I wasn’t sure what or who, if the anesthetist, the obstetrician or my child deigns to leave …
I’m sure that moment in the delivery room was nothing special, when I was supporting my baby on my chest I realized something was not right because that magic and immediately infatuation was stained by tremors, exhaustion and confusion … I thought, probably at home we would be better …
Exhaustion and tiredness, there was such confusion in my head, “what is going wrong with me? Why do I not feel right? Why this moment is special for everyone but not for me?” I was far from feeling happiness. Anguish took me by surprise when I arrived home. I thought “no matter, this surely will finish soon, it may be hormonal”
As for breastfeeding, what a topic! In this I could not fail! It was natural; it was the best for my son, gave him defenses, ensured his healthy growth and created a “magical” bond with me, the mother. In this I could not fail … but I did it.
God knows how much we try, we cover all possible means with teat-cups, pulling manually and automatically, we even went to Fundalam trying to get some help. What a frustration, what a disappointment! What a bad mother! “If he got sick and, it would be my fault!” “Why all mothers can do it and I can not?”
You would not believe how many bad thoughts began to delve into my head …
This sweet moment that should be connecting us meant a struggle titty-baby every night.
Hopelessness, I had to deal with another fault. However, there I was, trying to smile in the photo that someone took of me because that is what a woman should feel while breastfeeding “happiness, complete, perfect” and not “exhausted, confused, distressed”.
Time went on, and things did not change between us. I felt safe performing repetitive tasks for his care, but something was still missing. He was growing up and I was still freezing in time. Frost inside that was what disturbed me the most. What were those “natural” feelings between a mother and her child? Where was my maternal instinct?! What had gone wrong?! I looked in his eyes and he was looking for me, but I was missing…
Luckily, he had many other arms and looks that helped him to grow up while his mom was struggling internally to find herself…
One day I got tired, I was tired of fighting against my thoughts, I stopped smiling for the photos. Instead, he was happy and growing with many angels that were taking care of him.
Then a small light appeared, I took a deep breath and from the bottom I started to go out. I did not know if he was still looking for me but here I was again standing as I could, still struggling.
When medication gave me that little light of peace in my head, the first thing I noticed how much time had slipped through my hands.
I realized how fast he had grown up. I had lost all that during my battle, so I looked for a way to freeze that moment, that moment when I realized that the clock had won me but I gave a rematch. At that moment we were together and finally, our eyes met.